Empty dreams

Many people fall into cycling from other sports, or no sports at all. It can be a refuge from the inadequacies of mediocre levels of talent, or a way to express unrecognised abilities. Cycling is more than a sport, more than a hobby or pass-time. Cycling for those who are consumed by its freedom, and the feeling of being alive that it provides, is a way of life. At times it can feel as important as breathing.

A bicycle may be a simple mechanical piece of equipment, but for many it is an escape vehicle from the banality of everyday life. It transports its user, totally under their own steam, to places near and far that would never be visited by them on any other form of transport.

I grew up surrounded by mountains. Knockmeldowns, Comeraghs, Galtees and Slievenamon. As a child they were my Himalayas and Rockies, depending upon what comic book I was reading or what TV show I was watching. I would walk across fields to get close, and occasionally visit parts by car with my family. But I always had a desire to go further. To explore the unexplored on my own doorstep, under my own steam. Then I discovered the bike and the newfound freedom to explore that it offered. It felt like finding a part of my being that I had not realised even existed but was now all encompassing.

Initially as a teenager I explored every road, back road and boreen that I could find. I even got to know every dead end and cul de sac. I got to see all of the local towns and villages from above telling myself that this must be what they look like from an aeroplane. I experienced the taste of pure fresh air and the sound of undiluted silence. I also felt a happiness that I had not known before.

Socially, the bicycle opened new horizons too. I could now go to meet up with friends without needing a lift. I also got to go cycling with my friends and we would go on adventures together. To cycle in to Clonmel was like riding along route 66. Then I joined a club, started racing and discovered even more enjoyment from Cycling. We would go training up in the hills after school and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Next I discovered mountain bikes and yet another World opened up. Now I got to go right up into those mountains and really explore. Lakes, forests, caves, castle ruins and places where you felt that no one else had ever set foot were now accessible. All of this within cycling distance of home. What more could I dream of. Actually, I dreamed of exploring even further and ended up seeing much of the World but still ended up back living where I grew up in Clonmel and close to those mountains.

Now each morning I look out my kitchen window at those mountains, straight across at one part where a few years ago I spent 16 hours cycling up and down to reach the same elevation as Mount Everest itself. There are many different viewpoints up on those mountains. One point lets you look out to sea off the coast of Ardmore whilst being able to turn around 180 degrees and see the countryside from Clonmel to Carlow and Roscrea. A part of Slievenamon even offers up a coast to coast view from the bridge in Waterford city to the planes dropping in to land in Shannon.

What, you might ask has me thinking and reminiscing about all of these cycling experiences. Well, the simple answer to that is Covid, and long covid in particular. I tested positive on December 25th last and my fitness has gone through a virtual game of snakes and ladders with covid ever since. I can still work and get through normal life day to day but my cycling and physical activities are restricted. Numbness and pins and needles in both arms, shortness of breath climbing up a stairs, brain fog and extreme levels of fatigue are my new normal for weeks at a time. There are good days and sometimes weeks too when I start to feel ‘normal’ again. Then I overdo it and end up back at square one.

I used to go to bed and dream vividly about where I would go on the bike the following day. Those dreams are now empty.

My daily companions are now feelings of frustration and sometimes loss. The loss of feeling strong and being able to do pretty much anything that I set my mind on.

Jim Ratcliffe once told me that he never came across something that he wanted to do that he could not do. Covid has changed that for me, for now.

Previously I would look over at the mountains and pick a peak that I would head for. Now I pick a peak and just hope to see it again sooner rather than later.

There is a light at the tunnel though. I have an electric mountain bike which allows me to get into the slopes of the mountains and taste the fresh air and listen to the silence once again.

I will get back to my normal fitness levels and get to feel strong someday in the future. I just don’t know when.

You have to appreciate every day that you get to go out and use your body in whatever way you desire. Those days don’t last forever. Don’t be lazy, and don’t waste it!

Barry

Up above Clonmel at dawn looking down towards Waterford as the sun rises