The Lynx effect !

Early last week a customer was in and spoke excitedly about ‘lynx’ in the Kilsheelan wood . At first I was visualising a pallet of Lynx deodorant sprawled about the wood . The smell of lynx is normally inhaled in either teenage discos or in the car park after a bike race .

 The first location is a testament to the power of advertising , with teenage boys convinced that girls will be throwing themselves at their feet ala lynx effect . It is usually combined with a good dollop of hair gel and a striped short sleeve shirt to complete the look . Although going on present trends the sickly sweet smell of fat frogs seems to have a stronger appeal .

The second location , the car park of a bike race is a good example of the resourcefulness of your average cyclist . After two or three hours spent slogging their guts out in wind and rain , the cyclist reaches the finish line and heads straight for the back seat of the car . There are very rarely showers to be had and even if there were they would be ice cold so this is where the can of lynx comes in handy .

The post race routine begins with a slight stagger after dismounting the bike and leaning it gently ( or so you thought) against the girlfriends fiesta . Then you reach for the water bottle . It is still three quarters full because you were on the rivet so much that you never got a chance to take much of a drink from it .

The first mouthful is swished around and deposited gracefully in the nearest ditch . This is done in order to remove the remnants of  ‘road cocktail ‘. This cocktail is usually made up of dirty rain water , diesel , bits of michelin or continental rubber and the odd dollop of cow shit . It makes its way into your mouth from the spray of the wheels in front and whilst some may ask why not just close your mouth , try breathing through your nose at 50k per hour with Kenneally lining the whole thing out up some drag whilst you go into oxygen debt .

The second part of the bottle is then consumed with greater satisfaction than the finest chateau lafite as it quenches an insatiable thirst .

Then there is always a little bit left over just in case ‘she’ drank the last of your bottle of Ballygowan that you had intended to use to wash yourself with . Sure enough the blue plastic bottle is full of empty and you have to resort to spraying whatever’s left of the enervit in your bottle onto a towel and using this as your makeshift shower .

Some people often comment on the fantastic healthy tanned look cyclist’s have after a race . This , however , is not a suntan but a mixture of sticky fructose infused water which has been dragged accross a face ingrained with plenty of mud which gives the resultant brown ‘ tanned’ appearance .

After all of this the finishing touch will be the spray of a shot of lynx which will at least cover up some of the sweaty smell until you get home to have a shower .

If none of this sounds that appealing , just get one of those house plant spray diffusers from any garden centre and fill it with water and a small bit of cologne or aftershave which will do a much better job of cleaning you off after a race and should eliminate the ‘tanned’ look , although the can of lynx may still come in handy .

Getting back to ‘Lynx’ in Kilsheelan wood . There was actually a number of sightings during the week of a wild cat the size of a Labrador in the wood . It has been referred to as a lynx , bobcat , jaguar and a panther and sightings have been reported from Carrick out as far as Mt. Mellary . With the current resurgence in mountain biking in the area care would be well advised until the animal is found .

Personally if I’m heading out on the mountain I’ll be starting at the top and coming down as fast as I can so that I can give myself a fighting chance .


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